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Written by Journal
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 Early this morning, the SpokesBabe for the Krotch Brothers, announced that KrotchInc had completed the retroactive acquisition of SCROTUS aka Supreme Court Republicans-and-a-couple-who-aren't of the United States. In addition to their infamous Corporations Are People and Foreign Nationals Can Openly Buy U.S. Elections rulings, the deal was made retroactive to ensure some favorable changes for KrotchInc.
The retroactive acquisition takes place in two phases.
Phase 1:
Effective three months ago, SCROTUS will issue Foreign Nationals Can Openly Buy U.S. Elections as an addendum to the Corporations Are People ruling. Base salaries for SCROTUS will continue to come from the Federal Treasury ("Hey," said Daffy Krotch, "we pay taxes, too. Sort of."), in addition an undisclosed "whole bunch" from KrotchInc. They approved the health care thing and called it constitutional, so they're gonna be stuck with it.
At the same time, SCROTUS will issue a ruling that a fetus becomes a human being the instant that Daddy gets horny - or Pre-Conception Ruling. This will save a lot of sweat over future decisions.
Phase 2:
Effective immediately, SCROTUS will revise the Pre-Conception Ruling to establish the following baseline. "A Homo1 Sapiens creature shall NOT be endowed with HUMAN BEING STATUS until a PERSONAL net worth of $10 million3 is attained." This will save a tremendous amount of time, energy, and funds from the federal treasury. No more tedious congressional battles over regulation and entitlements. Most of the federal bureaucracy can be completely shut down. Sure, we'll hear from the "Save the Owls" types trying to pressure us into to services for the welfare of the above mentioned Homo Sapiens creatures but they'll never pass congress nor be approved by SCROTUS. Once this is signed into law, or ramrodded in over a veto, for the sake of simplicity Homo Sapiens creatures will be called FOOD.
INFO GRAPHICS ---
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Written by BSJ World Desk
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Boulder-Springs CO (ANS): Colorado Congressman T. Emory "Em" Gideon (RW) today called for the United States government to sever relations with the United Kingdom over the current audit and repayment demands for MP overstated expenses.
"The Brits have gone too damned far," Gideon stated to radio call in host Berni Piat at KZUD 88.2 FM early this morning. "How the hell can politicians be expected to do effective work if they think they're going to have to pay back every little piss-ant expense? Who the hell are you going to get to run this country if elected officials are expected to follow the same damned rules as the freakin' plebes? I say we send a message now. We cut off British imports (except for Laphoraig, of course, we can't be too over the top with this) and shut down all the crap on the airwaves from BBC. We've got our own crappy television people should be watching."
The recording seems to indicated that Gideon slammed down his phone on disconnect and has since been unavailable for comment. Follow the Journal for more updates. |
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Written by ANS
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 Boulder-Springs (ANS) - CORE Aireways (USSE: CRAW) is currently negotiating with the ATOTP (Airline Telephone Order-takers and Ticket Processors) for a revision in the current contract that will allow CORE to build on-line processes for reservations and ticket purchases. The existing contract has been in place since 1968, when CORE was the small local carrier Colorado Regional, for a term of 99 years. When Colorado Regional became CORE Airways in the early 1980s, the board of directors and new major stockholders were unable to get the union contract nullified.
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Written by Journal
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Boulder-Springs (ANS) - The Airline Telephone Flight Status Looker-Uppers (ATFSLU) has threatened to walk out on CORE Airways if CORE moves forward with an on-line application for the lookup of flight status. Approximately 950 ATFSLU members are affected by this proposed automation. |
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Written by Fitzgerald Sundstrand
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Washington (ANS) In breaking news, Colorado Senator Douglas "Dooley" Neall (PNCP) came under fire for his proposed legislation to prosecute fiscal impropriety as treason. A national organization of lobbyists has quickly decried the bill, which would include lobbying in the same prosecutorial basket as bribery and kickbacks. A lobbyist for the New York financial industry, who asked to remain anonymous, virtually screamed into the phone during an interview. "That hayseed from the middle of flyover country hasn't got a clue about how things are done in the world. Does he understand that one of the possible penalties for treason is death? What? You're going to slip somebody the needle because a few billion dollars gets misplaced? I've never heard anything more rediculous in my life." The Journal will continue to watch this story as it develops. We have two reporters who will be on the ground in D.C. within the next two hours. In the meantime, we'll keep you posted with updates from ANS. |
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